LAMENT

I sit here weeping bitter, painful tears. Crying out to God to please give me peace. Asking Him if I will ever really know joy again. The tears burn my cheeks as they run down. My stomach roars and turns over as I inhale deeply. So many thoughts run through my head… mostly wishing that I were just dead. My life is nothing like I dreamed it would be. I am a complete failure. My daughter is being hurt because of me and my stupid decisions. My heart thought it found its soul mate but hurt seems to be a constant. I don’t know what to do… I don’t know what I am doing wrong… All I know is what I feel and the emotions are too much to bear. I want all the pain removed from my life. I want this lonely feeling that is imbedded in my soul to go away. I am so hurt and angry right now. I can’t live like this any more. I beg you Jesus to intercede, my burdens are heavy, I can’t carry the load any more. Tears stream from my eyes… angry tears. Nothing is ever good enough. There never is any end in sight of the struggles that I must go through. The devil is attacking me because he wants me to fail. I have held on Jesus… to the hem of Your garment knowing that You were there giving me strength, protecting me. But, the enemy has wounded me mortally… I just can’t go on another day. I beg You for release… I beg You for intercession… I beg You for mercy and ask to please forgive me for my insolence and pride. You have made it abundantly clear that I am nothing. Everything that I have ever truly loved has been taken from me with the exception of my parents. Thank you for letting me keep them.. but I know in time they too will be taken from me. I can’t even describe the excruciating pain I feel right at this moment. My chest is so heavy as though someone was standing crushing it. Why God… the man that I love he hurts me… the things he says just rips my heart in two…why does he do this to me? Does he even love me or am I just fooling myself into thinking I deserve love? I have made so many bad decisions… it would serve me right not find love or happiness.. to have this taken from me. I have lost my children so why not lose my other part of my heart. Lord You know… Yes, YOU KNOW!!!!!!!!!! What he means to me, what I feel for him.. for once I want a man to love me with the same intense love and kindness that I have for him. It won’t happen today… love maybe blind but it does not cause me to be insensitive. God I just ask you to bless him and allow his heart to grow and enlarge so that he will walk in Your will. I ask You for my children’s happiness… if I had the choice I want them to be happy and blessed. I have so many hard choices and decisions, Lord I ask you to lead me in the direction You would have me follow. I ask that Your will be done. I have had to come to the harsh reality that I won’t be getting Samantha back… that I have lost her… that I will only be able to participate in her life at a minimal and at a distance. Just typing that out about kills me. I beg You to hold back my angry hand and keep the temptations away from me that would not please You. I am so angry right now… You tell me that Vengeance is Yours and that when someone hurts one of your children that it would be better to have a millstone hung around their neck and tossed into the sea… Where is the reality of that statement in regards to Samantha and myself, Lord? I am Your child… why the delay? Why are You allowing me to be hurt so deeply. I just don’t get You… You’re my Father.. my Friend, and I don’t have too many of those that I trust. I plead to You for a miracle, Jesus. I plead Your precious blood on me, my family, my court battles, on Jamie and the abuse, on my heart… Heal me, O Lord, and hear my cries… maybe I am being selfish for wanting a future. If it is then Lord forgive me for my heart’s desire. Lord, You know my heart’s desires and Your word says that you will grant the consistently righteous their heart’s desire. I am working so hard on being obedient daily. I have my struggles and I ask You to please give me strength and wisdom in the areas that I need it most. I ask for Your holy armor to be place on me so that I can stand up under the wiles of the devil. Please grant me peace and bless my life abundantly. Father, I need You so badly.. hold me close and don’t ever let me go. I love you Lord. Thank You for hearing my petition Jesus. In Your Holy Name I pray, Jesus. Amen.