Magic

Well, as always I don't know where to begin. Usually when I sit down to write I have sooooo much in my head that I can't get it on the paper fast enough. I think that is what classifies me as a writer. I am at times DRIVEN to write something.

Lately, I have been kinda seeing someone I use the word KINDA because it is on again and off again. He is going through a little bit of what I did when I got divorced. So, I try very hard to be understanding. I am trying to remember how neurotic I was when I even thought about getting involved with someone new going through that. I liked the person at a distance but any closer I would freak out. I think today's blog will be about him since I have him on my mind so much of the time.

As you well know, I am not one that gets all MUSHY and interested in just any man. He has to be pretty darn amazing for me to even give him the time of day. He has a really big heart but can be stubborn as all get out. Who does that remind you of... heheheh yes, me. I know I am horribly stubborn. I love to watch him and his expressions change when we are talking. I take in every little detail of him. I wonder sometimes if this is what love is noticing every little detail and making you smile. When I don't talk to him or see him there is this emptiness that I feel inside. I have never needed a man or wanted to need a man before. But with him... just sitting on the couch with his kids on our laps holding his hand is so satisfying to me. You know me I over-analyze everything. I did something really stupid because I am still really bad about trusting guys since my ex cheated on me all the time. He accidently gave me his password to his email account.

YES!!!! CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT, and that cat happened to be me. I knew I should not but things were going rough he was pushing away from me. I knew I had not done anything to be pushed away. I really know how to muck things up good. I read an email from him to this girl... where he said he was single just like old times, playing the field. My heart broke. I sat and just weeped because I didn't want him to be like every other guy. So, I confronted him on it. Yes, my anger and passion gets the better of me most of the time. Yes, its true there is nothing worse than a woman scorned, and I am no exception. I hurt him because I went into his email. My logic was well if he didn't want me in there then he should have changed the password when he knew I had it. But he explained who the girl was and how nasty she was that there was nothing to worry about. That he didn't want her in his business so it is just easier to say he was single. Which at times I guess that is a logical explanation... but I know if I am with someone I want people to know because I am not ashamed of him.

I stupidly confided in a woman online about a few things going on in our relationship. I don't have many female friends I can talk to. And what I am going to tell is the reason why I absolutely detest women for the most part. They are catty and mean and vicious. I told her how much I care about him which she laughed saying that I could not feel something so strong just meeting and going out a few times. I told her how scared he was about the feelings he was developing for me and few other things which I don't think are appropriate to discuss here. I asked for advice on how to make him feel more comfortable around me. And she took what I said and went to him and just twisted it all up. If you think you are falling in love with someone would it make any sense that you would talk crap about them? NO!

Well, that really didn't help our friendship or relationship either. It seems every time I find someone that I could care for it just doesn't work out. I sit here and my heart is heavy. The more I try to get close to him... it seems in person he can look into my eyes and he knows I am not there to hurt him. But then when I am not there his mind gets the better of him and he pulls away. All I know is that it hurts really bad. I wear my heart on my sleeve and this situation is just about killing me inside. How do you move on when you know that you have found someone you want so badly. And if he sees you move on he then thinks that he meant nothing at all to you, when in your heart you know he is all that you want? I mean he has kids... that is the #1 rule of mine. I refuse to date men with children. I look at those kids and just see him in them, and love them all the more because of their daddy. I just don't know what to do at this juncture. I know he needs space but I am not really wanting him to have too much because I don't want to lose him. I feel so lost.

How do you start over? I wish he and I could just wiped the past month out and just go on from the first week we met. He came to church with me and heard me sing... which most of you know I don't let too many people hear me sing since I am self conscious about it. Except my church, who just loves no matter what I think about my voice. We took our children out to an apple orchard. There was one scene that I just keep repeating over and over again in my mind because it was so beautiful. He and I were standing by the llamas... yes I did say llamas. Our children were down the grassy hill playing with my mom on a train. I stood close to him with my back against his chest and we watch OUR FAMILY playing together. It was that moment in time that I knew I could easily spend my life with this man. I didn't care the amount of time it took. We had not even kissed yet on that day. We just enjoyed each other. It was just a natural, beautiful experience. I just pray that he and I get an opportunity to really share and experience each other. I know I could look into his beautiful eyes forever and never be tired of seeing them. I never felt that way with my ex. There was no romance, no love, no spark... it was a working relationship. I think with this new man... there is magic.