Lacking Passion

.... Well, it has been awhile since I have written much of anything as far as letters or anything else. I have been talking to a friend lately who has made me take a another look at my writing ability. That person noticed that my writing has lacked passion recently. They are right... *sigh*

I think my whole life at the moment lacks passion. I am just exhausted and outright bored with life at the moment. I am always looking for the newest adventure but nothing seems to be sparking any of that. I am just lacking that fight and excitement. Perhaps the past 3 years has finally taken its toll on me. My job also is exhausting me. I mean I love how this job is making my body tone up and I am getting muscular but I am a small woman so its taking a lot out of me and I push myself to the point where I am just about killing myself. I never half do anything if I am working I put my ALL into it.

My cynicism is not really improving. Not sure I will ever find a man that is gonna knock my socks off. I mean there are always interesting possibilities but will they turn into anything more... who knows. I probably will be single for a while. I am realizing this. Maybe that is part of my loss of fight and passion. I never allowed my lonliness to effect me and even now when I know I am ready for a relationship I just keep pushing people away. I guess what I really am looking for is an amazing romance. A guy that can completely Shock and Surprise me all the time and can handle me. Someone that won't try and stifle who I am. I am so darn picky.

I am not sure of much when it comes down to it: Must mean that change is in the wind. I am so restless and sitting here in this small town is making me almost go crazy. I am very recluse and just don't have a desire to be around people. I just don't enjoy it. Putting on that smile and being the girl everyone loves ... I am just not up for it lately. Everyone that has been talking to me lately has had to deal with my mood swings... and meanness... I am sorry for that. But I try to forewarn before hand. So you don't think I am completely hateful. But I am me... I don't pretend to be anything else and I don't want to be anyone but me.

The reality is that I am 28, divorced, 2 children and I work slicing bacon. How depressing. Not exactly the excitment that I envisioned my life being. I know that I am going back to school in the Fall for Nursing... but that really is not something that I am overly excited about either. Can a person that is so cynical and sarcastic be a good nurse? Better question - Do I even want to be? Not exactly the lifestyle that I thought God would use me. So my desire of being a good wife and mother... have kinda flown out the window. And now I must focus on a career which I have no desire of having. Money has never really meant much to me. I mean I like to be comfortable and not scraping for food but it doesn't buy happiness.

Something needs to change soon.. I don't like living like this. Not that it is living at all... feel trapped.